House of Pain

I try and pretend that I'm quite a together person that can juggle Chick, work, home and everything else.  However sometimes (thankfully not often) it's all a charade and underneath it all I'm only just managing to keep up appearances and during this particular month it always hits me hardest.  You see right now is the midway point between by Dad's birthday and the anniversary of when he died.

My Dad committed suicide when I was 17 and even though it's been sixteen years, I still struggle.  His birthday is the one day a year that my brother Chris just 'phones for a chat' but this year he wasn't around to be able to call and strangely it seemed to hit me harder than ever.

For the first five years after Dad died I was a complete mess and actually what saved my ass was working out in California and being away from all the bullshit that was going on at home.   From the start of March for six weeks you could always find me getting ridiculously drunk every single night and behaving wildly inappropriately or crying on the phone to my Mum at 3am because I was so drunk that I couldn't control the flow of tears and only she or Chris could calm me down.

As the years have passed instead of going all out crazy, I ignore it!  I know.....really mature huh!  I very rarely talk about him to anyone even Chick because it's so painful I just can't go there.  I'm sure that burying all my feelings along with my Dad isn't the way to handle things but even now I'm not sure where to start.

It's funny the things you remember.  My dad worked for Mattel when were little so birthdays were a living room full of the brightest and best that they offered....Barbies, Poochie and Rainbow Brite to name but a few!  Going out as a family and him jumping out of bushes on the way home to scare us.  Shopping trips...he loved shopping!!  Talking about the places we'd travel too, he always wanted to go to San Francisco.

My Dad and I had in no way a perfect relationship and there were a lot of other issues going on in his life that were the apparent cause of his suicide.  I've spent many years hating my Dad for killing himself without giving us a thought, even more so since Chick was born.

My Mum and Dad also had a very acrimonious divorce and both spent a lot of years mudslinging and playing us off against the other one so we always felt torn.  In the end Mum moved us away and we only saw Dad occasionally and he let us down a lot. Never turning up when he said he would or not arriving at all. Missed birthdays and arguments.  I'm pretty sure it was aimed at my Mum however when you are a 10 year old and your Dad doesn't turn up on your birthday or send you a present.....life sucks!!

There's a song called 'House of Pain' by Faster Pussycat that goes something like

  It's a little past supper time

  I'm still out on the front porch

  Sittin on my behind, waiting for you

  Wondering if everything was all right

  Momma said come in boy don't waste your time

  I said I got time he'll be here soon

That's what I remember being like when I was younger.  The times I sat outside all day and waited for my Dad, convinced that he would turn up and he never did.  It must've broken my Mum's heart to watch!  The worse thing is that tonight Chick's Dad couldn't come and she had a full scale meltdown that reminded me of what I used to be like but he at least phoned and explained to her why.  Maybe I'll send him the link to this so he understands why I go off like a rocket when he lets her down!!

Please excuse any spelling errors but I've sat and cried for the whole time I've been writing, the screen is very blurry and I can't bear to read back what I've just typed on this occasion! I wrote this in the vain hope that I'll actually be able to sleep tonight now I've got all this out of my brain. Anyway I'm going to put away my feelings, wash my face, pull myself together, reassure my girl that I'm not having a nervous breakdown and prepare for my big Hollywood interview....wish me luck!!!!